2005-11-17

The Freak Show is Closed

I totally went out on a scary limb last night and I am TOTALLY glad that I did.

It's not a big secret that I was out of my mind for a lot of last year. So many things happened that I got to the point where without thinking about it, I was living as kind of a hostage of my experience and my imagination of what other awful experiences were waiting for me as I went about my formerly general activities.

I didn't go out at all for almost 8 months. I stayed inside, where it was almost definitely totally safe. I got a dog and Rosie, as she moved from annoying, destructive little puppy into being my d-o-double-g; Rosie has started to pull me back out of my head. With her around, I couldn't curl into a warm ball of Sarah, surrounded by the cats and sleeping in a hazy, Xanax fog all day. Rosie gets me up and she's stretching and she's smiling and she's stealing the warm indentation that I left in my bed while I am forced into the shower.
After work, I have to pick up her toys and she's waiting for me at the door, scratching at it if I take too long while greeting other neighbors on their way in or out. She jumps so high when I open that door that, her head usually hits my chest and... that's not something you can ignore. Even my super-hero strength in avoiding and ignoring is completely powerless to 20 pounds of love hurling itself, literally, into my arms every time I open my front door.
What else could I do but begin to commit myself to myself, via my dog. Let go, let dog, right?

Things are so much different from last January - September.

I've been going out, mostly centered around Namoli but that's okay for now. I am comfortable with that crowd and I'm not shaking inside that something awful is going to happen to me, the way I was when I would try to go out during most of last year. In fact, I even want to be out and about, doing things. I started with the dog park, I moved into seeing Namoli more than once in awhile, and now I am back to being open to doing things. I want to go do things, all kinds of thngs - movies, galleries, for coffee, even to the bar if someone else is driving. I want to be out of the house and finally, that radioactive ball of frayed nerves, seething just inside my heart?
It's gone.

I feel secure enough to say that the freak show is closed for business.

That said, this is a capitalist economy and I'm a capitalist kind of gal, opening a new freak show.
I've already contracted with myself to continue to provide unending hours of comedy and generally dumbass actions that have truly come to delight and entertain, if nobody else but me, over the years.

Welcome
to
the
show.
It's not for children.

So, to tie this whole thing up with a pretty pretty bow and not feel like a tool leaving it on the World Wide Web for what will most likely be over a week while I am trying not to gain any weight and ducking questions about my personal life while I spend 6 DAYS WITH MY FAMILY, here's the bow.

I met this dude back when I went to Chicago. The whole encounter was perfect. It was dirty in the good way but not slutty, it was fun but not singularly defined by being there, that night, in that city. I loved that experience and although we hung out a bit after we both returned to Arizona, things didn't really go any where and admittedly, how could they when my Number One Goal was to not leave my house for longer than an hour?
That modus operendi pretty much eliminates me from any relationships of any kind except for the ones I could form at work with my colleagues. I did lose friends during that time - some of them are coming back and some I'll never ever see again.
It happens.
But this dude popped up in my head the other day and I wanted to call him and just… tell him.
Nothing calculated or apologetic or anything but just be able to talk to him and tell him that I know I was in a really bad place and I hope he's doing well.
After today, I will not be discussing this dude here at all because after I talked to him, I realized that I have a phenomenal amount of respect for him, in a very personal and private way. I struck gold that night in Chicago, even if I went on to sell it at a price far below the market value, the thrill of striking gold…
That thrill never goes away and I got a tiny sliver of reminder and I am so satisfied right now, with just the feeling of feeling so good.

arizonasarah at 9:44 a.m.

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