2005-12-05

Donuts? Labwork? Does This Have to Do With Cloning?

Do I really believe that everything is so existential?
Someone asked me that.
Yes, I do.
I do think that to a certain degree, most of life is about making the donuts over and over and over.
Which, yeah, is pretty boring when you think about it.
So most of us try not to think about it - the smart people go out and find things that they love to do but most of us...
Most of us get up every day and make donuts in one way or another. We shower at the same time and chose an appropriate outfit and go in to grind out the same things that we did last year around this time.

That said, the details of an existential life are utterly astounding.
I don't expect anything new on any given day. I don't wake up and think, "THIS is going to be the best day of my LIFE!" I don't come home from work and dance myself into dog park clothes and I don't open the door when someone knocks, expecting that the person on the other side of the door will change my life in a profound and obvious way.
But often, so often that I question my own philosophical bearings, I do get swept away in the magnificence of the details.

At my company Christmas party, I was looking over an elaborate balcony and I could see my reflection framed in the windows behind me. It was cold but so pretty, you know? Like the way the air is when you are way out in the desert and you can see everything for the light of the stars and the moon reflecting on the light colors of the plants and the ground.

I was looking out at my friends, Marty and Jennifer and watching them country dance. They are effortless. They move without thinking. And I know it was several shots into the evening, I know that it was a company Christmas party and that next year I would likely be enjoying the same view of the same people and in very nearly the same dress on the same night of the year.

But the expanse of those two dancing, the breath of who I am now, and the tiny little adjustments I found when for a second and then another, I let myself become absolutely lost in philosophical possibility.
In that moment of existing, I felt every little laboratory in me filling with their little scientists, coming to life and beginning to mix new chemicals and test unnamed laws of physics all of those little scientists in me trying to get a new take on decoding eons of human experience…
In a moment of letting go and not thinking about anything but the empathic bliss that I was feeling, I sort of lost touch with existentialism and as the weekend unfolded, I have not yet been able to grip my old tenets as comfortably as I did last week.

arizonasarah at 4:12 p.m.

previous | next