2006-10-12

Nerd's Rope, Please

I was talking to 22 last night, who recently turned 23 but who will forever and always be 22 in me heart; I was talking to her and we both realized that we're having a touch time Getting Along with Others.

She is wise sometimes and recognized that she's kind of a spoiled brat and was on her way to go kiss some major ass, first at derby (she skates in Phoenix) and then with her boyfriend.

I have not come to the same conclusion about myself.
There doesn't seem to be a pattern in my out-fallings and off-pissings. One chick reacted publicly and inappropriately to a question I asked and the powers that be have decidedly come down in support of me on that one. It's a long story but basically, I asked a question, it was answered tersely and I interpreted the terseness as smarty-pantsedness.
Wrong.
When I responded with a little sass of my own, the person who started it all wrote something totally nasty and with grave implications to me on a public message board.
Here's how stupid it all was:
"Which rules should we be studying?"
"All of them."
"Duh. Which version?"
"Sarah, Perhaps you should reconsider your involvement in this organization if you can't work with people. I don't appreciate your attitude."

And the emails/phone calls, they did fly. "Was that a joke between you guys?"
"That's effed up."
"Dude."
"Cunt."
I totally ratted the person out.
Here's why: She made it public. If this was a private thing that had been addressed to me in person, on the phone, or off-list, I would not have brought it up. As it were, she caused a great deal of attention to be brought down on me and not the kind of attention that anyone really wants in life.
I have 10 years on this chick. I have learned the lessons she is currently learning. I am not at a point in life where I feel like, "That's just her personality is a good enough excuse."

My inner-monologue is MEAN some days. I have to close my eyes so you can't see how much they are rolling.
That's just my personality.
And I've learned how to make it work.

So there's that, that THING with that CHICK and attention in derby that I really didn't want because I really just want to become a better athlete and make some friends and do some writing and stuff for the organization but then THIS happens and it's not right for me to kowtow to someone who acted massively inappropriately and hides behind the excuse of, "That's just her personality."

Well, my personality doesn't let that shit slide. She made it public, so I don't think of what I did counts as ratting her out. I followed her lead by forwarding things out of the Newbie-public and into the Board-public.

A week or so ago, Chips and I went on the Outs. I am not really sure what happened entirely. Ask her and I insulted and attacked. Ask me and I called her out on something that's been bothering me for awhile. Either way, we make no denials about being really different people. It's also weird that like, the day after it all went official, Jill pops up from literally out of nowhere. Where Jill and I left off, Chips and I took up and now Chips and I left off and Jill and I took up.
No wonder I don't have a whole lot of relationship issues with men; they all play out with the Official Position of Best Friend.
But the thing is that Jill isn't my best friend.
Jill and I didn't spend 11 years making a friendship and living together and growing up and dancing in a cage and moving away and getting over Jefferson and finally working through all of the Rakers stuff and losing friends to substance abuse and holding our tongues about the Really Bad Ideas.
Jill and I are kind of soul-matey in that we ARE similar. It's really easy for me to understand what she does and how she's going to do it and why it's totally okay and vice versa, I think. It's a very easy relationship, so much so that ten years down and I really don't feel a day of them. Jill's and my friendship just IS whereas Chelsea and I BUILT.
It's a little too much to sort out, honestly.
I donít think I want to try to understand it, either.
I know I miss my best friend, though.
There's been tons of stuff where I want to call her, for some weird reason, usually while I am walking the dog. So much I want to call and tell her about, like about my International Love Plans and my crippling destructive paranoia, about Debrygate 2006, about worky-poo, my new cute shoes and the Lux jeans I looooooove.

And then there's a crush. There's always a crush. Luckily, I understand that it's not some mystery of the Universe as to why I am single. I have a hunch that even though Tyra Banks' phone doesn't ring off the hook, the reasons why my phone doesn't ring off the hook might be a tiny bit different. My phone doesn't ring off the hook because I take a perfectly sweet little boat of a guy and find the one weak spot in the hull and kind of pick at it until he admits it's totally irreparable, punches a hole in it, and then shoves me over-board in disgust.
I was a swimmer growing up, so it's cool.
In a way.

I donít have to go to work tomorrow, which is pretty sweet because I got all kind of banged up at practice last night. There's an explosive bruise on my knee and a burned Mark of the Fishnet on my thigh, right up by my ass, which makes sitting extra-uncool. There's thing on my forearm and rounding it out, a situation on the back of my other leg, more of a bruised scrape than a burn mark.
The bottom line is that it all adds up to a fistful of Advil and a X@n@x and my really looking forward to the end of the day, which is the end of the week. I've gotten all of the chores done so I can go over to Jill's and watch Survivor tonight and then tomorrow, I can sleep in, guilt-free and on-purpose.

I gotta pull it together here.
This crush is a good one. He's employed AND cute AND is (was?) taking me to go Salsa, which is awesomely cool since, although I donít think I formally announced it here, I am trying to put and end to the serious of great big American white guys who I dated.

This is all over the place today and that kind of feels good, like the old DJ Az-Is, who didn't censor herself and who wrote about things regardless of whose feelings were hurt or who might disagree with what I said about them in the Internet.

Wow.
I even want candy.
Specifically Nerds Rope.
I gotta run up to Circle K.

Have an awesome weekend and heyÖ be yourself, yo.
When it's all over, you still only have yourself. You can be left out in the cold and be very clear on who you are and why you did what you did or you can be left out in the cold and have to deal with the cold AND with facing yourself.
Although it's the slightest bit frustrating in the moment of now, I'm forced to conclude that if I'm going to be left out in the cold (and we all are stuck out there now and then); if I'm going to be left out in the cold, I am at least going to be there for having been myself without some kind of complicated scaffolding I have to climb to see in the window of the warm place I was just forced to leave.
I guess I'd rather just sit there on the doorstep and wait, you know.

This is so free-form, I can't even deal.
I was serious about the Nerds Rope.

Peace out

arizonasarah at 9:14 a.m.

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