Do you ever feel like you are in a movie? I feel that way almost all the time. It's a really good movie, no doubt, the kind where you can totally feel like you are a part of the story. Which is good since this is actually not a movie but my current life I'm supposed to be living.
It would be a good movie.
And I do feel like it is one. I think the opening scene goes something like this: "Just a small town girl (shot of me packing a single suitcase that rests on a twin-sized wrought iron bed in a sunny, old room) "Livin' in a lonely world (shot of me working as a waitress and looking so young and yet so weary) "She took the midnight train (shot of me driving my old Saturn) goin' an - y - where" Somehow, my movie manages to be movie so much less Lifetime Television than the way I wrote about it just now.
I totally wish that sometime, someone is going to look up with awe in his or her eyes and go, "Oh my god."
"You're fucking brilliant."
"Where have you been, you essential creature? "
And I would smile knowingly, with wise eyes and offer a helping hand.
I know that the preceding is all fantasy, which is WAY better than the reality of me, which happens to involve having to pee all the time, cursing the decision to live on the edge and not get Caller ID for my home phone, working at a cubicle in the midst of male, corporate posing, and figuring out creative ways to eat as much candy as possible without gaining unwanted water weight.
I'm working on a theory and I'm sorry but I cannot discuss details at this time. Please check back after at least 30 days.
I feel old, man. I feel old like an old person. I feel all Johnny Cash and nostalgic old. Shakey old. Can't eat or sleep or shit old.
I have an important appointment with the City of Tucson tomorrow and I'm getting upset about it. My primary discomfort is with the elaborate game that is the legal system. I wanted to go to law school so badly until I learned how much of it is just formality: "Well, we'll do X and then the Court will do Y and then we'll have a new court date in 2 weeks."
And Sarah has to take more time away from work.
I made a video, a goddamn video, and I see dude's point but I also think dude is not as prepared as I am and it makes me feel like another useless character who is alive in celluloid only - a movie person, not a real person.
And all of the machinations that exist at work also contribute to my feeling a little gauzy. How many times am I thinking that I am doing my best, only to find out that I was not made aware of all of the information that I needed to make a decision about the action that I took? And the parallel is that over in the other land of Court, I am doing everything to supply the best information and nobody wants it.
Meanwhile in the Land of Cube, I'm trying to address things with my due dilligence and I'm not really failing per se but I am kind of outside of success. The nail is totally getting hit but kind of all around the middle of the head, so that it's getting all beat up on the edges and stuff.
I'm sure - I'm all: "I feel so alonnnne" today, like a parody of a blogger.
But fuck it; I feel half alive today. It's like I am an interesting albeit not integral part of the day.
Whatever bitches.
I'm totally integral elsewhere, for fuck's sake, I am the STAR of my own movie. I think I;m integral somewhere. If I'm not, I'm about to be so talk to the hand, 'kay?

I'm also all put out because I had a run in with a VP today. U2 is coming to town and we have a skybox and when I asked if I could add my name and a guest's to the list, I was told that there are already "like 75 people on the waiting list." ? I pointed out jokingly, of course, that there are only 150 employees and that's when I knew the dude was lying about something because he got all defensive. There's no need to geyt defensive about telling a peon that she will not be able to take in one of rock's most enduring bands from the company-owned skybox. There's just no reason.
"Clients, Ms. (mispronounced) Sarah's Last Name. The CLIENTS who want to go."
"I see. And that's why your name and your wife's name and that other guy's son-in-law appears like 8 times over the course of 2 shows... because of clients?"
Stammering around....
"Uncle Boss Man, I am one of U2's biggest fans and I just want to go see them."
Graph, harph throat clearing "Well, I don't know about biggest fans. (stammering) I went to Rattle and Hum and I saw the Joshua Tree tour twice and blah blah blah blah (fine dude - I was 12 when the Joshua Tree was released so I'm not really sure why you're all defensive and trying to give me a smack down on this)." And he got all kinds of crazy detailing shows he's been to where Bono lost his voice and where they filmed this or that.
So let sombody else have a turn for one.
For two, what the fuck do you know about how much I enjoy the melodious and socially conscious music of Irish band, U2?
Finally, for three, if you want to have a pissing contest about rock and roll, un-fucking-zip and I'll kick your gigantic poser ass. I dated a rock star, jack ass and you can wipe it with that one.

In the movie, I said all that stuff to him and he stepped off of whatever bed of nails had him being so weird and un-gracious about a skybox seat for me and a guest. Some people are taking 6 family members. Put a limit on that shit and we all get to go.
But no.
I can smell shady a mile away, Shade Ball.
Take a shower or something.

Luckily, the Fighting Illini are going to win and vindicate me to my mother. It's a complicated formula but again, to deviate without permission from reality, I have it all worked out so that if Illinois beats North Carolina, than my grad school beats her place where she moved and so I am not a failure.
I can't get into the particulars of this calculation but that's basically how it works: If the Illini win, I win. If the Tarheels win, I am toast. Simple as pie.
In my head, people. This is where things get clinical in the exam.
Well, I have now thrown down on the whole played-out scene where people pretend to say things to adversaries that they never in real-life would say because they'd get fired and stuff.
You know, like: "I dated a rock star, jack ass and you can wipe it with that one."

I just made that literary comedic device cool by fake-quoting my own fake quote.

arizonasarah at 12:45 p.m.

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