The Mystery of the Turtle Wax

Someone left the bottle of Turtle Wax 2000 outside my door yesterday.
It's sure not-too subtle of a hint.
I mean, yeah... my Bitchin' Honda is due for its annual warsh but seriously?
You can't call me open with, "We need to talk. Your car is actually a hazard because it's so dirty, it distracts the other drivers."

When I said someone, I'm wasn't being vague.
I have no idea who did it.
I've asked every neighbor, I've asked my only friend who has driven my car, I've asked Dog Park Dude and nobody is copping to what, in the interest of a positive spin, I am referring to as a gift.
Although Dog Park Dude did mention that I should read the instructions on the bottle. He offered that he would help me but cautioned that he won't do the waxing for me.
I asked about the caution and was told, "Your car is going to be really bad. I'm covering my bases early."
He's right.
It's bad. I've washed it twice. The thing is, it's so dusty out here anyway that washing it just makes it worse because then you drive off and the dust sticks to the car and turns into mud. My car gets clean every monsoon season because I take special care to run outside, throw it into reverse, and back it out of covered parking as soon as I hear the rain really start to come down.

It hasn't rained in, like, 173 days though, and monsoon season isn't until July which means that if i hold off until the rainy season, I could be holding off for several years. Or an estimated 180 days. By then, a little monsoon isn't going to do anything to remove the kitty footprints on the hood because they will have fossilized in the arid desert of Tucson. I need to deal with my car's exterior and some stranger out there is telling me that through the use of presents.

I've never waxed a car, let alone this one. I've washed a car but not since I was a little kid. And no, I'm not joking so if you need to laugh here's your pause.
So, not having washed my ride in a long time, and by long time, I mean "ever", I called my friend, 22 to asked her what you use to wash your car. I figured I could at least get a jump on that part of the process, slip into something summery this weekend and at least get the washing part out of the way. Dog Park Dude is working like mad for the next little while and won't be able, immediately, to help with the waxing. I figured I should take this gift of time and maybe try to get in the swing of washing the car. First, I needed to know what to use as detergent.
I thought 22 was going to tell me to put some Dawn in a bucket, grab an old pair of unders and get to the scrubbing.
I was wrong.
She told me I needed to get "car washing stuff." Why can't I spray the car with Simple Green, run the hose over it, and call it a day?
Isn't that how I used to wash my mom's Subaru station wagon when I was a kid? Which reminds me, why did I love washing the car as a kid?
Was I so sheltered that I felt like a bucket of soapy water and freedom with the hose was being footloose and fancy-free?
Don't answer that.
Just know that I don't really get into washing the car anymore, and believe me; that's so obvious that mystery people are leaving car cleaning supplies at my front door.

Normally, it would be driving me insane trying to figure out who left Turtle Wax in front of my door.
Was it a teasing gesture of affection?
Was it a gag birthday gift from a friend?
Who leaves Turtle Wax without a note? And without an offer to wax my car for me?
Will there be a chamois at my door today?
Is it good or is it bad if someone leaves you cleaning supplies?
Why didn't they leave me car cleaning detergent, like 22 said I would need to clean the car?
You have to clean it before you wax it, right?

Now I have a very dirty car and some Turtle Wax and someone out there who's thinking of me, the car, and my situation of fossilized paw prints on the hood and little scratches from when Rosie tries to open the door on her own.

I have to admit.... I'm kind of hoping that there's more to the story.

Like, I hope I go home today and there actually IS a chamois, or some car cleaning stuff or a note or something.

Weird, Turtle Wax just became completely romantic in my head.
Pray that it wasn't left by anyone creepy. If Turtle Wax gets ruined for me before I ever in my life, EVER even wax my car, I'm going to do something drastic.
What, I can't name yet but trust me, it will be a doozy.

Oh god.
I just thought of something.
Tucson is the car theft capital of the country and Hondas are the number one stolen vehicle.
If a car thief were to see my ride and want to steal it, there's no way he would do so because a trail of dirt would follow him as he sped off toward the chop shop.

Do you think a car thief would leave the wax at my door, knowing that I am slightly guillable and naive and from the Midwest, knowing that I'll see the wax and get all embarrassed about my car and wash it and wax it immediately?
All so he can steal my car without a Pig-Pen style dust cloud following him down the street?

Could that happen?
Could the Turtle Wax actaully be my entree into News of the Weird, or American's Dumbest People or something?

Fuck no, I'm not washing my car now.
Now, it's personal.
Now, we go with what we've always done and wait for the rain.

arizonasarah at 1:48 p.m.

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