I'm so jealous of people who are not children of divorce.
Besides the obvious of knowing how to function or fake it in relationships, they don't have the same vacation suckitude that I have.

With rare exception, my vacations are to go visit one side of the family or the other.
Last year, I got to go on a long weekend on a houseboat and it was awesome, for sure.
This year I get to go visit both sides of my family and hear professions of how I don't get home enough.
Can we stop with the gushing?
I'm WAY too sensitive to be able to handle that and frankly, it makes me want to cancel Christmas and drive myself head-first into Lake Powell.

Are you going to Nationals?
No. I don't have enough vacation (to accommodate my family and a social life).
Are you going to Eastern Regionals?
No. I've already spent my vacation (going back and forth between the two sides of my family and coming home kind of exhausted and definitely not tanned nor hung-over nor sexed by hot European strangers).

Sure it's a choice but I'm a child of divorce.
There is no choice.
I make my family happy.
and I only do it half-assed so actually, nobody is all that happy.

I seriously had to turn down AN EVENING with old friends in Southern Illinois because if I don;' go straight from one grandmother's house to the other's, then I'm Unreliable and I obviously place more value on partying with friends than on the expectations of my family.


My mom can't figure out why I get so stressed out by having to go to Southern Illinois but I know: it's the weight of expectation, man.
I am flying into Indy, spending the night with an aunt, driving to Evansville to drop all my stuff off, driving to Carbondale to see my one grandmother, and driving back so that I can get up the next day really early and help clean out my the Evansville grandmother's house.
Which I hear is pretty much like Dracula's fucking castle.
And I got quilted into NOT staying in Carbondale because if I do, I'll never get back over to Evansville to be of any help on Saturday.

Now, I admit that I'm not in the best mood in life and I haven't been for a really long time but the fact is that it's been a really long time since I haven't felt the burden of suburban white girl responsibility, especially as it relates to visiting people who do not live near me and who are related to me.
I almost had a melt-down when my cousin showed up in Phoenix unexpectedly and asked me to come over and hang out at her hotel room over July 4.
I couldn't do it.
It's only a two hour drive but.... it's a two hour drive.
I wanted to go to a pool party and chill out with my dog and have a day in the middle of the week where I am bored out of my mind and kind of sick from eating so much.
I didn't want to drop everything and drive over there and leave The Only Thing I Care About Anymore, my dog, all alone for yet another Wednesday.
And yet I felt guilt, major guilt about this.
It's not like I see my cousins all the time but I wish for once that people could figure it out that I am not very mobile.
I don't hop out of town very other... well, ever.

I need to plan.

I need to know what's coming.

I need.... I need to meet someone who isn't like this so I can be more relaxed about it all.

arizonasarah at 4:01 p.m.

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