Baby I Never Lied to You

Every once in awhile, I'll have a conversation or a realization and a little flare internally goes off, shooting the desire right out of the top of my head to call my ex and ask him if he is FOR SURE about chosing alcohol to me.
Like, Positive?
You're... definitely... that's, like... it, right?
For sure?
You're not gonna change your mind?

It's stupid, risky game, I know. Or, I guess it would have been risky a few years ago when I was a lot more fully invested in it.
I've put my money elsewhere but I can't help to take a check on the market at some of the times when I need a little more support.

Because he remains still the best source for that. He knows the absolute worst of me and still loves me.

Sometimes, I just want to make sure that the history is not for naught and that, for sure, there's nothing to do but move forward to harder but possibly more exceptional things.

It's more nostalgia than anything, I think. It's more the idea that I fully understand the importance of a relationship that spans a decade and that has by now brought the two parties to a certain unconditionalality that's not found in the more reasonsonable, more accessible, and more happy relationships in each of their lives.

There's a comfort that's not to be discounted.

I know there's nothing I can do to break his heart any more than I already did and vice versa.

And we're still relevant, still friends, still... allowed to each other.

I guess I keep hanging out with him, as best you can hang out with somone who lives 2,000 miles and a lifestyle away, because it's good to know that there's a place where no matter what the scars and the blood spatter looks like, I know that I'm still allowed, enbcouraged even.

Familiarity is precious.

As another relationship does what it's doing in its own selfish weirdness and obliviousness, I sometimes catch myself with my mind on my ex.

Not in any longing way, not in any compartive way, not in any way except for the most innocuous intellectualism that I can apply.

That is to say that... I get what it is I'm getting from him and why I'm not getting it elsewhere.


I get how naked you are in a relationship. The best ones, the enduring ones... the ones where things get to the point where you and the other person know each other so intrinsically that there really isn't anything internal force that could end your connection.

Of course, there's a lot more to love than that and of course, I know it. I don't yearn for him or even fantasize that he'll magically stop being so dedicated to alcoholism.

But I do understand why he is still around for me.

And it's okay.


It is.

arizonasarah at 1:07 p.m.

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