2008-09-11

When Will This Ever-loving Season END?

I am getting ever-closer to the end of The Longest Season Ever.
I couldn't be more thrilled.

And it couldn't come sooner.
I am becoming torn on things that used to be no-brainers. Go to a concert or go to practice? Four months ago, I wouldn't even have considered a concert unless it was either a legend or someone I was really digging.

Now, I don't even care. You can hook me up to see Survivor with their new lead singer and we're only staying for the first four songs? I'm in.

I'm basically taped together with Tiger Balm goo and athletic tape, I'm tired of not sleeping from running through plays and plans after every night of practice or footage or scrimmage, and I'm tired of being pulled in 800 directions by a hobby.

I don't want to argue with you about this or that because you are stupid and you don't get it, is what I want to tell people. I know it's not true or fair but I am to the point where I don't care about fairness. I'm to the point where the only tools I have are to bully and to be elusive which while stunningly effective, is also a quick way for people to start hating you and targeting you for lots of irrational posturing.

I don't care about what leagues have their insurance stuff in, I don't care about how to make this or that fund-raiser happen, I don't know how to tell you to do this or that, and mostly?
I want to sit on my uncomfortable futon and play computer games.
Without anyone asking me about practice or about whether or not they need to go to an event.

I want to stretch into myself for a bit and expand into the parts of me that are getting numb from a lack of attention, from the train-like carriage of my focus right now.

I want to tell people that they can figure it out without me, that they'll have to because I am going to go on a bender, tell my crush how much I have been adoring him for the last 6.5 months and how it's intensely stupid for us to delude ourselves about all the fucking hanging out we do, avoiding the making out and instead looking at each other like we don't know what the other one isn't saying and waiting for... what? For what? For a match to strike and set a fire? For matching holes in two calendars that will never line up perfectly? For another day? For an easier risk? For what?

Waiting for my seasons to end.
So I can be a little more reckless, a little more risky with my confessions. Because once I can press "Refresh" on the incredibly massive commitments I chose to make to this season, once I have room to fuck up a little and to lose focus for a couple of weeks, I can finally lay to rest this insane trip I've been on with my crush.

Men and women can't be friends. I believe that whole-heartedly. We can work together and have a friendship there, we can be friends with spouses and significant others but a guy and a girl who hang out all the time just to hang out with each other is a fucking myth.

But I can't break the shell yet because I can't take on the emotional responsibility of doing so. I remember in grad school, I really needed to end a relationship. I waited until school was done.

Same scene, different maturity levels and different over-hanging commitments. I will break into this man.

But not yet.
I do not currently have the capacity to hear what I don't want to hear.

And the rip of all this whining is that I'm 99% sure I'm going to hear what I don't want to hear, continue to hang out with him because he's the lifeline to life outside of derby and because he's also a fascinating human being to me, and nothing will change and Iíll be having this conversation with myself in another six months.

That, or I'll be in a firm mood and we will actually not hang out anymore.
Which would be really fucking sad for more than awhile.

arizonasarah at 11:22 a.m.

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